Trauma Amnesia →

 

Trauma amnesia is when your brain blocks a trauma (suddenly recalled later). Two example: 1) I called a retired surgeon for details on a surgeon suicide from 20 years ago. After we spoke, he suddenly recalled 6 more doctor suicides; 2)Writing my memoir I suddenly recalled for the first time in 36 years, a summer job I had in college. I interned with a famous forensic pathologist on child homicide cases. Even more shocking—that pathologist was my stepmom (who had dated my mom)! How the heck could I forget that?

Ever wonder what memories are hiding from you in your own brain? Often when we feel safest and life is good—old memories start to surface so that we may finally heal.

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Autopsy of an Assassin: 60 years ago JFK was shot. My stepmom identified his killer. →

Winter break during my first year in college, I was introduced to my new stepmom Linda, a forensic pathologist who specialized in child homicide cases. Her interests may have been too gory for some kids. For me she was never the “wicked” stepmother. She became my loving second mom, my medical mentor—and my hero.

Here’s how I fell in love with her.

(An excerpt from my unpublished memoir)

Arriving at Linda’s house for dinner, we’re greeted by her teen daughters (my new sisters) who guide us through the foyer to the kitchen where I see Linda with a glass of wine.

Linda, a large-boned woman with olive complexion and short dark hair says, “So you must be Pamela. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Just then I hear loud banging and notice Linda’s smacking slabs of raw meat with a spiked wooden hammer. I’ve never seen anyone hit meat in my life. And with such brute force. As a vegetarian, I’m both intrigued and sickened.

Lately I’ve been placing “Warning: DEAD animal in here” stickers on packages of ground beef in grocery stores. Part of a guerilla animal rights campaign. Just a friendly reminder for shoppers who might forget their food had a face and a family.

Why punch a dead animal with a hammer? And who’d want to do such a thing in front of house guests?

“What are you doing?” I ask in a loud voice.

“Tenderizing the steak.” She keeps pounding and pummeling the dead cow. “Got you pasta. I heard you’re vegetarian.”

“Okay, thanks.” I glance away from the scene and see a Betty Crocker cookbook on the counter partially covered by manila folders, one entitled “autopsy.” I wonder if there’s a dead child in there.

“A meat mallet breaks down the connective tissues to produce a tender steak,” Linda explains like a food scientist. “The pyramidal spikes disrupt the fascia and muscle fibers.”

I’m not gonna argue with a forensic pathologist holding a hammer. Maybe she’s had a tough day. Must be processing rage for the child’s killer with that mallet.

To me, Linda’s fascinating and a bit mysterious. She’s the original host of the murder mystery dinner. I can tell she’s mulling over her manila folders while masticating. She’s quirky like my Dad [also a pathologist]. Yet unlike Dad, she’s fearless. And her daughters are cool. Never had younger sisters. After dinner we hang out and play cards, then we’re invited to spend the night. I borrow some pajamas, get comfy, and head upstairs to the bathroom. I see a door ajar. Linda is in bed reading.

“Linda, thanks for dinner. What are you reading?”

“A second-opinion autopsy for a court case.”

Strewn about Linda’s lap are close-up photos of a trailer-park murder—blood-soaked blonde hair on a lady face down on the carpet.

“How can you look at dead people before bed?”

She smiles. “Been doing it a long time.” Winks at me. “Sleep well, Pam. See you in the morning.”

Linda’s tough, seems to be able to handle anything. Kind of reminds me of Dad studying late into the night though he was mostly reading big textbooks and looking at slides, not murder scenes.

In the morning, Linda and her daughters make us pancakes. As I’m dunking a bit of pancake in a dipping bowl of maple syrup, I’m told Linda’s been involved in some high-profile cases—even did the autopsy on Lee Harvey Oswald five years ago to make sure he wasn’t a Russian spy.

“Wow! You cut open the guy who killed JFK? How’d you get that case?”

“I was Dallas County Medical Examiner. Nobody else wanted to do it. I was the only person who hadn’t been sued and had copies of Oswald’s dental records.”

“I want to know everything!” I stop eating for a moment and lean in with absolute focus on every word about to exit her mouth.

“The exhumation turned into an international news carnival. On October 4, 1981, I got up early to be at Rose Hill Cemetery by five. Was met by security guards. Helicopters were flying above as backhoes began digging at 6:30. We unearthed the crumbling casket by eight. Water damage caused the old pine box to cave in at the top so we could see the body in there. We left the cemetery at nine with the hearse.”

“Then what?”

“As Oswald’s hearse headed to Dallas, media assumed the autopsy would be at our medical examiner’s office by Parkland Hospital. More than 300 media surrounded the place like Santa Ana’s troops at the Alamo.” She pauses with a grin. “But we were at Baylor.”

“Ha! You ditched them, huh?”

“Dallas County opposed use of county property for Oswald’s autopsy so we found another site. Meanwhile at the cemetery people were jumping the fence to grab handfuls of dirt dug up by gravediggers, ya know, saving sod as souvenirs. Four-year anniversary of JFK’s assassination, Oswald’s gravestone was even stolen. They had to hire security to keep all the dirt from being dragged off his grave.” Linda stands up, grabs a folder from the livingroom, and hands me Oswald’s autopsy report—my very own copy to keep! While sipping my orange juice, I skim through the details:

“Upon entry into the casket a moderate malodor emanated from the decomposing body. As measured in the casket from superior skull to heel region on the left, a body length of 177 cm (69 1/2 in.) was obtained. A gold wedding band and a red stone ring were removed from the fifth digit of the left hand . . . A relatively intact pair of white with green diamond pattern boxer undershorts were also in position upon the body . . . diameter of the lower extremities was estimated at approximately one-third of the in life circumference. The intact skin upon the distal lower extremities had a friable consistency, was more dry than wet, shriveled, and parchment-like . . . ribs were markedly friable and crumbled with mild pressure. . . The head was removed from the remainder of the body by incision of the mummified soft tissue maintaining the skull . . .”

“So did you know right away it was him? The real Lee Harvey Oswald?”

“Within ten minutes I had the rings, gave them to his widow who was waiting in the next room. She confirmed these were the rings she had placed (by way of the embalmer) on her husband before his coffin was sealed on November 25, 1963. Finding those rings and the mist of mold covering his body, I had proof the remains hadn’t been tampered with. We snipped a wire that clamped his mouth shut for the last eighteen years, and his jaw came right off. Had two forensic odontologists (tooth sleuths) examine dental records that can be as exact as a fingerprint.”

Linda’s daughters get up to wash the dishes. I guess they’ve heard this story before.

“By 2:30 in the afternoon we completed the autopsy. Left Baylor at three and got Oswald back in the ground by four. Just before we departed the hospital, his wife gave me a gift—the red ruby ring. We slipped it back in the box with Oswald and that’s how the whole thing ends.”

Linda taps her TV remote and a pre-recorded videocassette begins to play the Norton Team press conference. Wearing a tan pant suit and gold-rimmed glasses, my new stepmom makes her world debut on international news:

“The findings of the team are as follows: We independently and as a team have concluded beyond any doubt—and I mean beyond any doubt—that the individual buried under the name of Lee Harvey Oswald in Rose Hill Cemetery is, in fact, Lee Harvey Oswald.”

(View video the Linda Norton Team press conference below)

I love this woman. She’s an American hero.

“If there’s a reasonable question that science can resolve, I feel it’s in the public interest to conduct the exhumation.”

“Did you ever think you’d find the Russian spy in Oswald’s coffin?”

“Pam, if I thought for a minute we’d find another body, or no body, I wouldn’t have taken the assignment. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in congressional hearings. It’s hard to make a living that way.”

Linda went to a place no woman had dared go before—her hands inside the most infamous killer in modern US history. Amid conspiracy theories and bad publicity no physician wanted to touch Oswald’s case, his body, or even think of wearing his ruby red ring. Yet so many seemed obsessed with revisiting every detail of the day JFK died.

* * *

I spent the summer after my first year of college as her “intern” assisting Linda with child homicide cases. When I got back to college for my sophomore year, she mailed me this letter:

“Dear Pam, Just thought I’d take time between exhumations to write you a note. If this disinterment business and re-exam of autopsied bodies continues I won’t have time to do anything else. Perhaps it’s just a fad that will pass but then there isn’t a lot of competition out there for this type of work. ‘Tis a shame you’re not closer to finishing all your training—I’m going to need a good forensic pathologist partner soon and you definitely have the sick, warped and perverted mind that it takes to be great in this field. Lord what a team we’ll make. What happened with the calculus deal? Be sure to keep me posted. Don’t hesitate to call collect any time you just feel like talking. Love ya, Linda”

I never became her forensic pathologist partner, though I credit Linda with much of my professional success. She continues to be a role model for me as an entrepreneurial woman physician who always spoke the truth and never feared controversy.

Pamela Wible, M.D., is a family physician who has devoted herself to doctor suicide prevention. She runs a doctor suicide helpline, maintains a registry of doctor suicides, and offers weekly peer support groups for traumatized physicians.

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Good vs. Bad Psychiatry? (Venn Diagram) →

While it’s courageous to ask for help, getting the wrong help may be harmful.

Derived from Greek psukhe soul and iatreia healing, psychiatry means soul healing.

Opening your soul to healing requires a therapeutic relationship with honesty and respect from both you and your psychiatrist (with no intrusive outside influences).

Have you ever sought mental health help and felt your experience was unhelpful—even harmful?

To understand if (and why) your care may have been less-than-ideal, reference the following self-assessment tools.

In the Psychiatry Venn Diagram overlapping circles illustrate the relationship between bad and good mental health care while the Psychiatry Pop Quiz will provide your numeric score.

Recall a specific mental health care experience. Where does your care fit on this diagram?

Psychiatry Venn Diagram

Psychiatry Pop Quiz

In each of these 10 questions, choose either (1) or (2). Then add your numeric score. Your total will be between 10 and 20.

1) Is your mental health care (1) state/job/insurance sanctioned/influenced or (2) your personal choice?

2) Did your psychiatrist or therapist come from (1) a “preferred” list or (2) could you choose anyone you desired?

3) Does your care feel (1) non-personalized or (2) personalized?

4) Does your care feel (1) punitive or (2) non-punitive?

5) Do you feel you are receiving (1) illegitimate excessive testing or (2) legitimate selective testing?

6) Are medical decisions (1) made for you or (2) do you make your own choices through shared decision-making?

7) Does your care feel (1) discriminatory or (2) non-discriminatory?

8) Is your mental health care (1) non-confidential (visit details may be shared with others without your non-coerced consent) or (2) confidential?

9) Is your mental health care (1) involuntary, coerced, forced or (2) 100% voluntary?

10) At any point in your mental health care have you experienced (1) gaslighting/bullying or (2) has your care always been respectful?

Add up your answers.

Score  Interpretation

10        You are receiving bad mental health care
11-13    You are likely receiving bad mental health care
14-16    You are receiving a blend of bad/good mental health care
17-19    You are likely receiving good mental health care
20         You are receiving good soul-healing mental health care

 

Bad Psychiatry Defined

Want to steer clear of harmful mental health interventions? Here are situations that place you at high risk of bad care (with examples from doctors who were patients in physician health programs).

State/job-sanctioned psychiatry – Rather than choosing to receive mental health care, you are sent by your state, job, licensing authority, or other organization for psychiatric care.

Physician whistleblowers have been forced into psych evals following anonymous, unsubstantiated tips (often retaliatory) with no avenue to explore or appeal allegations of disability or impairment.

“Preferred” psychiatrist list – Instead of choosing your own psychiatrist, you must choose a “preferred” psychiatrist from your insurance plan, job, licensing authority, or state “health” program.

“My Florida license was delayed by a month. I was required to have a psych evaluation by an ‘approved’ doctor due to my history of depression which was treated and well-managed. It fell under the ‘impaired physician’ program and definitely was stigmatizing. To this day I don’t answer those questions honestly anymore and am hesitant to seek treatment as needed.”

“After standing up for patient safety at my hospital, to renew my contract I had to submit to a four-day neuropsychiatric eval (and 90-day admission) at a facility on their approved list.” [Note: this physician then lost his job and died by suicide].

Non-personalized psychiatry – Instead of a personal relationship with your psychiatrist, you feel captive on a one-size-fits-all program predetermined before you entered the relationship.

Physicians with no history of drug/alcohol use have been automatically enrolled in costly out-of-state inpatient faith-based abstinence programs—followed by five years of drug monitoring and AA attendance.

Punitive psychiatry – Instead of feeling cared for, you are punished for your mental health issues.

“Overwhelmed with abuse I was facing in anesthesia residency, I begged my program director with tears running down my face for emergency mental health care. I spent the next few days isolated, confused, exhausted on my couch. I saw a counselor. I started an antidepressant for the first time in my 30 years of existence. By the weekend I felt refreshed with a glimmer of hope. When my program asked to meet with me on Monday, I was sure it was to see if I was okay, to ensure I had no thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I was wrong. The meeting was to let me know I was placed on 6 months probation for being unprofessional. I was flabbergasted, my mouth literally fell open. I couldn’t believe I was sitting in front of the people I trusted with my education and they were able to look at me in my greatest time of need and anguish knowing I was now in counseling and on medication and respond only with punishment.”

Illegitimate excessive psychiatric testing – Rather than selective tests for your condition, you receive many tests of questionable legitimacy and accuracy (often at your own expense).

“My polygraph was one of the most humiliating experiences in my life. I have no access to my results and had threats of license revocation if I didn’t cooperate.”

Physician “health” programs have made unfounded diagnoses of substance misuse via non-FDA-approved drug tests known for false positive results.

Psychiatric decisions made for you – Your psychiatrist tells you what you must do and you have no ability to advocate for yourself.

“My own psychiatrist and psychotherapist have stated I don’t have bipolar disorder, yet my state-sanctioned counselor concluded the mere act of disputing their diagnosis proves I have it.”

Discriminatory psychiatry – Your psychiatric issues are used to discriminate against you.

Competent physicians who cannot afford to pay thousands of dollars to for-profit “preferred” rehabs get reported to their board as “noncompliant,” usually resulting in license revocation with automatic entry into National Practitioner Data Bank, rendering the physician unemployable.

Non-confidential psychiatry – Your deepest thoughts, feelings, and life experiences that you thought were protected are shared with others outside of your “confidential” session.

Medical boards publicly disclose physicians’ disability-related license revocation, perceived HIPAA-protected health information (detailing unsupported, yet unchallengeable misdiagnoses)—all published on the World Wide Web in perpetuity.

“Do you know what really hurts? The fact that anyone can look me up on the Internet and read my dirty laundry. I’m publicly shamed [by my medical board], punished for being ill. I will only know peace when I am gone.”

Involuntary psychiatry – Rather than choose to see a psychiatrist, you are told you must—or you will forfeit your job, career, or livelihood.

To keep their license, doctors must “voluntarily” agree to travel out-of-state to physician “health” program “preferred” facilities where they may be interrogated via polygraph during a 4-day multidisciplinary evaluation for up to $10,000 cash (no insurance accepted).

“My forced out-of-state 90-day ‘treatment’ for alleged disability without impairment feels like involuntary civil commitment and extortion under threat of career destruction.”

“The running joke was they wouldn’t discuss a discharge date until the person’s money was running out. I knew some kept for more than 20 weeks, after being told (as we all were) before admission that it was a 6-week program.”

Psychiatric gaslighting and bullying – Rather than being treated with respect, you are bullied, belittled, and psychologically manipulated causing you to question your own sanity.

“My brilliant physician friend was sent to an out-of-state health program. When he asked to call his psychiatrist mother, his counselor replied, ‘Oh, you need to call your mommy?’”

To share your good or bad psychiatric experiences, please add your comments below.

 

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Physician’s Position—Rap Song by Dr. M5 Vibe with Pamela Wible, M.D. →

A song about the physician’s position from a musician’s perspective.

Physician’s Position

By Dr. M5 Vibe with Pamela Wible, M.D.

The greatest part of life is giving life
In my opinion, my decision
Led me down to a path always envisioned
 
Physician, the hours are long, felt a bit guilty
When I took a position
Way on the outskirts of the city
 
Cuz I know my family’s gonna miss me
Can feel the heartbreak prick my lips when my partna kiss me
But she loves me so she understands
The passion that I’m discovering delivering
A newborn baby with my own hands
 
Looked in his deep, dark-brown, round eyes
Mesmerized, soft enough to make a grown man cry
No lie
 
I hand him back to his mama
The room grew silent
For a moment I was in Nirvana
Left them in private
 
Damn, I walked up out the building
Feeling like the fuckin’ man
 
Until life sent a humbling message
Missed calls, hundreds of texts
Emergency asking for presence
The feeling I felt was unpleasant
 
Hopped in my car and I tailed it
Walked in the room and I felt the
Heaviness of the horrors that I saw
Murphy’s law
 
After all we’re professionals
Hold emotions in and never let ’em go
No
 
Keep them inside, sit by the family’s side
Second by second I see the light is fading out their eyes
Until there’s nothing left
Call time of death
We stood by his side until his last breath

Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know
 
Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know

My forehead is soaked, hands are cold as ice
How do you break it to a family that they lost a life?
Then drive home to my family and try to go to sleep at night
I toss and turn until I see the morning light
 
Then you do it again, and you got to pretend
You didn’t see what you did
Ain’t that some shit?
 
But who am I to complain?
The nurse right next to me
Experienced the same thang
 
How do you look into his mother’s eyes?
Fight back my tears while I explain
Why her son has died
Years of schooling don’t prepare you for this side of life
 
No time to process still
I got a patient in the next room
Mad cuz they ain’t got their pills
 
Enough to break your will
Enough to make you quit
Felt like this for years and I ain’t proud of it
 
And the hospital’s ill, sick of their politics
Short on our staff but hire another neurologist
 
Like what the fuck
Depression creepin’ round the corner
Pop a couple pills
Mix with alcohol and marijuana
 
Barrel to my dome
What’s the point of a diploma?
When I’m paying on these loans
Sinking deeper in this hole I’m in
Sobering
 
Heavy is the head that I’m shouldering
I been pickin’ out the casket I’ll be loaded in
 
But my family’s on my mind
It’s been hard for me to describe
All the pain and the pressure I been holding in
 
I wanna let it go
Wanna release it
Wanna be there for my wife and daughter
Lord know that they need me
 
Been a ghost around the house
It’s been weeks since they seen the real me
Guess I had to hit rock bottom
To get a view of the ceiling
 
Damn it was revealing
How deep I really hurt
But I buried it in work
Then I covered it in dirt
I could use a fuckin’ hand
Cuz it’s only getting worse
Had to take a chance
Maybe therapy would work

Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know

Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know

Doctor 5, what brings you in?
Um, I just feel I need someone to talk to.
I’m glad you’re here. What’s been bothering you?
I don’t know where to start.
Any place is a good place to start. How you feeling now?
Sad, all the time.
What’s making you feel so sad?

Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know
 
Wake up
It’s getting late, bruh
Peace to Father Time
And respect to Mother Nature
Guess ya never know
When ya gonna meet ya maker
Better take it slow
Life mo’ precious than ya know

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Doctor Suicide Questions →

Pamela Wible Physician Suicide

Eleven years ago today I was clueless about doctor suicides. Eleven years ago today at 1 pm I found myself sitting in a memorial service for the third doctor suicide in my town. Eleven years ago today at 3 pm I started asking a very unpopular question that led to extreme isolation, loneliness—even being shunned for asking my question. Although people were whispering in the bathroom about this doctor’s suicide, nobody at the memorial service would say anything aloud. I’m not a whisperer. I like to ask my questions out loud.

I wanted to know WHY doctors were dying by suicide. Not just this doctor. All the doctor suicides in our town.

NOBODY wanted to talk about it.

So I started talking and writing and seeking answers all by myself.

Back then—11 years ago—if you Googled “doctor suicide” you’d not find much. Overnight I was #1 on Google on the secret topic nobody cared to talk about or think about or even contemplate a solution for . . .

Three doctors died by suicide in my town in just over a year. Pediatrician, urologist, cardiologist. Doing the math that means more than 10,000 citizens in a town of 150K had no doctor. When I asked my friend at the newspaper if they planned to cover this startling news, she said “No. We don’t report on suicides unless the family wants it in the obituary.” I explained these suicides were not isolated—that this was a public health emergency. Still the newspaper policy was to censor this news. So I went to the TV station. Spoke to a reporter who took a ton of notes as I shared the loss of our town’s doctors. She called me later to tell me her boss would not allow her to report on our doctor suicides.

I was SO FRUSTRATED!! I asked my therapist how I’d ever get anybody to talk about this and to enact solutions to prevent future suicides. She told me, “You can’t solve a problem nobody knows exists.”

Eleven years later—people are talking about doctor suicide. Many are starting to ask why. A few are ready to hear the truth.

Here’s the truth—idealistic, humanitarian docs who want to do right by their patients are often unable to sustain their passion for helping others in a system that violates the human rights of patients & doctors. Doctors who stand up for patient safety issues (and disturb the money flow) often find their careers destroyed through retaliatory referrals into essentially physician “re-education camps” or “forced drug rehab” programs—even if they’ve never done drugs!

Suicide is not the problem. Secrecy is.

What are the secret shenanigans causing good docs to lose their ability to protect patients from harm?

Let’s talk about money-making scams positioning themselves as “solutions” to doc suicide and organizations that claim to “care for” our distressed doctors while actually putting physician lives at risk—and destroying their careers.

Let’s address REAL issues causing docs to kill themselves.

Today I am grateful. I want to thank everyone for joining me in talking about suicide. I feel less alone. Less desperate because I am no longer the only voice speaking out loud on doctor suicide. Now I’ve even got the DOJ asking questions about doctor suicide!

Here’s a throwback photo to remember the time when I was all alone asking my very, very. very unpopular question.

The widow of one of our suicided docs in town told me, “Keep asking the tough questions.”

Asking the right questions will always lead to the right answers. So here goes . . .

1) Why are so many doctors dying in physician “health” programs (PHPs)? (I personally know 23—tip of the iceberg).

2) Why are competent & qualified physicians forced into PHP evaluations following anonymous, unsubstantiated tips (often retaliatory) with no avenue to explore or appeal allegations of disability or impairment? (good way to get rid of whistleblowers?)

3) Why are physicians with no history of drug/alcohol use automatically enrolled in costly out-of-state inpatient faith-based abstinence programs—followed by five years of drug monitoring and AA attendance?

If we allow good doctors to be driven to suicide—who will be left to care for us?

Just a few questions on my mind today.

Love to know your thoughts.


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